I'm not the greatest human all the time or even most of the time. I can let my pride get in the way or say things I don't mean to or be stubborn or selfish. Most of these things, while I really have no excuse for them, I realize are rooted out of fear, self doubt or pain. I've been so scared to love whole heartedly because, quite honestly, I got so sick of deleting, yet again, another chapter of my life off the Internet due to a failed relationship (first world problems, AmIRight). Maybe it's a lesson to not overshare, but really, for me, it's a lesson on trust. It's a lesson where I have to allow myself to be vulnerable again in order to be the best version of myself for me and for someone else. It's a lesson where I have to confront all the issues about myself that I've swept under the rug for so long in order to love someone the way they deserve to be loved, and in order to love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I've been mean sometimes and I've said hurtful things, but yet, this guy stays grounded and keeps on loving me. He says he's loved me for a long time, and has loved me while I said I was thinking of moving to the city where he lives and then changed my mind and moved to New York. He's loved me while I've traveled even further, to the remote jungle of the Congo with zero internet access for weeks. He's loved me when I've came home and then decided to move, yet again, to a new city in order to pursue a school degree. He's been a tree, and I've been the wind. I know I've been the tree at times while he's been the wind.
And it's just that. It's this constant back and forth-ness. It’s give and take, take and give. Love and laugh and cry and hurt. Forgive, move on, apologize, apologize again.
Sometimes I think we have this idea of love where everything is supposed to be perfect. I had a relationship like that, where everything was perfect and we never ever fought. It was great and beautiful in its own way but honestly, it was boring. There wasn’t any passion. We weren’t fighting with each other, for each other, or for anything for that matter.
I’m learning that human love is very imperfect. I think the kind of love they talk about for long term success is the kind of love where even when you are hurt or mad or upset, you choose to love them anyway. You choose to see past their imperfections and where they’ve done you wrong because you know they are only human. Thankfully, I’ve had someone who loves me this way, too, because I have done some very imperfect things, but he keeps on loving me. I’m so thankful for that. Finally I’m with this guy where sometimes him and I fight and argue with one another, but now we also fight for each other, and for something greater than ourselves. Our faith, our love, our belief in life, love, passion, togetherness.
Our relationship isn’t just fighting, though. Mostly, we aren’t fighting. Mostly, we are laughing or sharing stories or ideas or exploring or creating or being weird. I am so thankful for those times, I love those times, I can’t get enough of those times.
But it’s during the ugh-this-really-sucks-right-now-why-cant-everything-be-perfect-times that he loves me anyway and once again, I am sooooo thankful. It shows me his commitment. Because forever is a very scary thing, and sometimes a very unbelievable thing, especially when I have no one in my past to compare forever with. Neither of us know if forever will work, but we both know we are willing to fight for it. That is really special to me.
I’ve been reading Baby Boy Bakery’s blog a lot lately. This woman has experienced such great heartache with her son passing away. I’ve sat in my bed crying because I can only imagine a fraction of her pain, and it makes me so sad. But she has no idea how inspiring she is. Each day she keeps getting up and choosing to move forward without her son physically present, knowing that her son is looking down at her instead. Each day she makes a choice to fight for love and fight for life even if it really hurts. When it comes to love with a partner, I don’t want “fighting for love” to be this abusive thing, what I’m trying to say is that the healthy kind of love is most definitely worth fighting for! Jacqui recently wrote in her blog post: Together. We can do it together. We are doing it together.
That really resonated with me. My circumstances are so different from hers but she is right. “The thought is simple. Together. We can do it together. We are doing it together."
No matter where you are or what you are going through, remember that.
Together. We can do it together. We are doing it together.