There is so much to say about this past weekend. I've already written a million and a half words about it and I know I'll keep writing about it for the rest of my life.
It's funny when I feel like I have so much to say yet I can't find the right words. I feel like these past few years have been me trying to create my identity. My whole life I've always thought to myself, one day when I grow up I will... or I'll be better at this next week and the pattern repeats itself. I don't know when it happened but I know I woke up one day and thought to myself, I'm tired of saying one day. I'm tired of defining who I want to be and not who I am. And so I woke up that one day and decided that the person I long to be is the person I am going to be today.
It's hard some days. Some days I wake up so tired and don't want to get out of bed and the next thing I know it's 11am and I've wasted my entire morning when I could have been taking photos for the past few hours. Or, some days I'll eat too much chocolate that I have a stomach ache and I wonder why my lack of self control is still that of a child. These are tiny examples, but they reflect the larger part of my life, where I have goals that I'm trying to achieve and instead, I procrastinate.
These past few years, I've been trying to make me me. The better version of myself I imagine in my head is the person I am trying to be now. I know there is not much time left, whether that be tomorrow or in 80 years. The unknown pressures me to do things now and not wait until later. All of these moments of doing things now and trying to be a better version of myself, one that is true to myself first, in order to be true to others...
All I know is when I stopped trying to live someone else's life, I suddenly became perfectly in sync with my own. And my own isn't so bad, no. It's actually falling right into place.