Stepping out of fear

No longer, will I limit myself or my actions due to fear.

I thought I was already good at this. I've always been a relatively confident person, but sometime during this last year, I suddenly became paralyzed by fear. 

I think fear was controlling me before hand, but the difference is I was living my life how I wanted to live it, or rather, I was living my life in a way that I thought others wanted me to live. It was exciting and so I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but it was the fear of failure that was pushing me to keep going until I think I exhausted myself. Or, I would have exhausted myself, but I called myself on my lifestyle early. And I quit.

I started exploring my own life. I started exploring the things that I wanted to do that suddenly didn't look cool or picture-esque. I started realizing that it wasn't the fear of others judging me that was controlling my life... It was my own fear and my own judgement. I hate to say it, but I found myself judging others left and right (which I'm sorry I did). I found myself becoming absorbed in so many things about other people's lives that had nothing to do with my own. It was turning me into a very cynical and negative person, and so one day, I asked myself why. Why was I doing this?

I realized it was rooted in my own fear and my own insecurity. I was judging others because it made me feel better about myself, and it made me not have to worry about who may be judging my life. The thing is, the last part of that last sentence didn't work as well as I thought. The more I judged others, the more I felt paralyzed by the judements of others. And eventually, the more I became paralyzed by the judgements of others, the more I started to realize that these judements were my own judgements I had made up in my head. No one was judging me, or hey, maybe they were, but no one was judging me in a way where I knew they were judging. The 'truths' running my life were fabricated lies and expectations I had placed on myself.

I don't know why we are so afraid of being afraid. I don't know why we are so afraid of failure. I don't know why we are so afraid of what other people think of us. I don't know why we are so afraid of expectations and not meeting them.

I just know that the day I decided to stop judging everyone around me, including myself, is the day I suddenly felt entirely free.

And so, no longer will I limit myself, my true identity, my desires or passions or thoughts, due to fear.

Fear can serve as a warning, but warnings are not necessarily bad. Warnings are asking us to think through things before we act. 

Fear can also serve as a motivator. A motivator to work harder and not fail. But failing isn't necessarily bad either. Failing is learning, and learning is one of the greatest abilities we have on this planet.

I also think what we fear is worse than the fear itself. I've been terrified of certain things, but once I've actually faced them, I've realized that what I was afraid of wasn't actually that scary at all. And the more I've faced my fears, the more free I've become. Suddenly I don't have all of these fears and expectations gripping onto my life and controlling my decisions.

Suddenly, I am free to be me.

No longer, will I limit myself or my actions due to fear.

I want to live. I want to really live. I want to live to my fullest potential. I don't want to be suffocated. I don't want to be held back. I don't want to limit my capabilities when all I have is one life to give it my all. 

I want to be the freest version of myself.