I don’t entirely know where to begin my thoughts except that I know I want to write about real love. Real love can be hard. Real love can be work. I thought I had real love in the past. There was one relationship I was in where every moment of it was butterflies. The butterflies eventually turned into another girl in his bed, and now they’re married. There was another relationship where everything felt very picture perfect, but yet, there was no substance or depth to it, which in some ways, for me at least, was more toxic than the butterfly cheater. There was one guy who I really connected with but our interests were so far from each other that I knew it would only be a matter of time before we resented each other. There was another guy who presented me with a list of where I was to live and work and that he had already got me the job (I wasn’t even looking) and so to just move with him and it would be la-dee-da great. There were so many of these moments where I wanted so badly for love to be real, and while some of the feelings certainly existed, the love wasn’t rooted in anything.
When I finally met my fiance, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone, let alone wanting to marry anyone. There was something about him though. I remember always being very curious about him, but there wasn’t a drop of love left in my soul to love someone romantically, and instead, we became really good friends.
Looking back at all of my other relationships, I still imagined someone else while I was dating them. I’d love them and we’d be happy and have a great day, but in the back of my mind, there was still an image or a thought of someone else. I had no idea what he looked like or did or felt like or anything, but he existed somewhere deep in my subconscious. Even with picture perfect guy, I still had someone else who would enter my dreams, no matter how hard I tried to push him out.
They say when you know, you know. I’d like to challenge that and say, it won’t necessarily be this instantaneous thing. Eric seemed to know with me pretty early on. I don’t know how he knew, but he says he knew. For me, while I was curious about him in a way I had never been curious about anyone before, I didn’t know right away. But eventually, as time went on with him, and we became closer and I finally started to give in to the feelings I was developing for him, one day (which really, was a collection of days and weeks and months), I realized there wasn’t anyone I pictured past him. I didn't know that this is what he would feel like or look like or do, but it was as if I had made it to some finish line, where there wasn’t anyone beyond him. He made up my subconscious in the physical.
I’m learning that love is beyond an emotional connection. Some days it looks like laughter and other days it looks like disagreements. Some days it’s filled with adventure, other days it’s filled with tiredness. But there aren’t any days that feel too big to overcome. Maybe that’s the difference, because in the past, the days that felt too big to overcome were the days that would end with a break up. Now, on the bad days, I don’t want out, and on the good days, there is nothing sweeter.
When you know, you’ll know, but it may take time. It may not look quite like butterflies and rainbows, or maybe it will. Things will line up in a strange and supernatural way, where you’ll realize you don’t need to try and have control of everything, because something else is connecting you two.