The rest of the night was filled with food, games, laughter and dancing. I ripped my dress but it didn’t matter at all because the only thing I cared about was being there with Eric and those who have been our greatest supports.
Someone later asked us (jokingly) if it felt any different being married, and how it was sort of like turning a new age where it doesn’t really feel different, but it happened. I agreed, although, now I would have to disagree.
Being married does feel different. I don’t exactly know why, because I still feel like me, we still feel like we and life will continue in a similar way to how it was before we were married, but still, something does feel different.
Permanency feels different. There is a new sense of love that comes with permanency, that I could have never felt before. There’s the I’m in love with you feeling and the I love you feeling, but then there’s also this new feeling of love that comes when you realize that being married means we are permanent. I can’t describe it beyond that. It’s a type of love I’ve never felt and it’s a type of love I can’t imagine having for anyone else in this world, because it’s our marriage (and our commitment to our marriage) that is the permanent love. It’s being a unit together, no matter what comes our way. Somehow, this permanency allows us to know one another more intimately than anyone else will ever know us. It’s the good and most definitely the bad and ugly. It’s everything from here to the sun, and it’s ours, together, to figure out.
I’ll admit that already in our first week of marriage we had a decent sized disagreement that had us both frustrated beyond belief. As the fight was happening, I kept getting sadder and sadder realizing, oh no, we can’t undo this, we can’t undo the fact that we fought during out first week of marriage. But then I realized I had some weird expectation in my head that everything had to be perfect (beyond just this first week). The truth is, Eric and I have never been perfect, but we’ve always been willing to work it out, or agree to disagree and put love first. That’s what marriage is, it’s putting love first, and putting the other person first. It gave me such a sense of joy to remind myself of this, when during this disagreement I realized that our issue wasn’t even what really mattered, what mattered was Eric and our marriage, and knowing that what mattered to him was me and our marriage. Again, this permanency was what allowed me to love him a new way, and to quickly forget, forgive, and also say sorry myself. As our marriage therapist also has said, “When a couple walks into my office and I ask them what they fight about, if they say that they don’t fight, the first thing I ask them is, ‘so which one of you is lying?’” In past relationships, it’s always been me who was lying, hence the lack of any fights or disagreements. But finally, finally, I have someone that I don’t have to lie with. I have someone who I can completely be myself with (and vice versa), even when it causes us tension or disagreements. And so, our fight during our first week of marriage, I suppose it’s perfectly normal, and I know as we continue to learn and grow together, we’ll get better at understanding one another’s cores, and we won’t have to fight.
I love Eric so much. It’s weird (okay, well not really), but I didn’t think I could possibly love him more than the day we were married, but every single day, my love for him grows deeper. I know that one day we’ll leave the honeymoon phase and some days it will be hard to love one another, but I know that he’s the only human I would ever risk marrying, if that makes sense. Everyone I’ve known has said that marriage is hard work, and with the divorce stats, it’s even risky, but as I said in my vows to him,
We’ve already been through a lot together, both good and bad, and as much as I’ve hated the bad, it’s shown me that there’s no one else in this entire world I’d rather experience the bad with than you. I know there’ll be hard times and I know there’ll be amazing times and I know there’ll be all of those mundane things in the middle. Today, through all of those moments, and the moments to come, I promise to be by your side through this adventure we call life.
Marrying Eric is the best thing I have ever done. I remember, too, when we had our “first look” photos. The moment I saw him standing in the field with his back to me, I couldn’t walk, I had to run to him, because finally, the day was there, and we were finally making it (legally) permanent. I am so excited to do life with him, permanently him.