I've been too scared to write about you because I'm so scared of losing you. Is this what motherhood is all about? But today, when Eric told me to start writing, I knew I had to. I knew I'd regret not writing about you later on. I knew I had to face my fears and by facing my fears, 
I accept you.

I don't know if you'll ever read these words and I don't entirely know if the person I imagine in my head is you or some variant of me. I guess it's both. I feel cramping but nothing comes out, so I know you are still with me. 

I've always accepted you though and I always will. I just don't entirely know how to care for a child in a world where so much chaos happens, but I remember my dream and what God told me. I'm not to worry; you will change the world. And I know, I just know that there is Someone Greater than you or I and that your purpose here is very specific. It's beyond me, and I know that even though I am your mother, I will have to let you go and trust that God will take care of you when I can't. And, I will trust that you can take care of yourself, too, because that is how I will raise you. 

I will raise you to be strong.
I will raise you to be fearless.
I will raise you to ask questions.
I will raise you to be kind.
I will raise you to do the right thing, even though sometimes the right thing will hurt. 
I will raise you to trust God.

I pray I can carry you these next 9 months. 
I have known of your existence for only 4 days, and already, you will always be a part of me.