A new chapter.

It's crazy to me that the number of years I lived in San Francisco is almost the number of years since I moved away from San Francisco. Living in San Francisco felt like such a big chunk of my life, but when I look at a calendar, I realize how small that time was. It was important, yes—I felt like I defined a lot of who I was and am and was able to develop my career there—but when I look at my life on a timeline or even on a map, I realize that chapter was so short. 

I’m walking into an entirely new chapter soon, the difference is, this chapter is part of something that becomes forever. It’s the difference between my single life and married life. I’ve never done anything like this before, and while I can say I have an idea of what to expect with being married, really, I have no idea what to expect. I have ideas of what I hope for and dream for, but I don’t know what kind of reality will set in. I don’t know what type of curve balls life will throw, I don’t know what in sickness and in health really mean or through rich or through poor. I just know that my entire life, there has always been a way out, a way to abandon ship. And I hate to say it, but it was that way out that always gave me some sort of peace. It didn’t have to be permanent. It didn’t matter who I was dating or where I lived or my job or any of that stuff because in the back of my mind, I knew a breakup was perfectly reasonable, as would moving to a new city be or quitting a dream job to find another. 

For the first time, ever, the thought of everything becoming so permanent, forever ever, doesn’t scare me. People have different opinions on marriage and forever, and for those people, I don’t disagree with their opinions, but for my life, entering into marriage means forever, and forever means marriage. I’m not saying I haven’t ever had my doubts, because trust me, I have. It’s just that for the first time I feel willing to fight for it, no matter what, in sickness and in health, whether rich or poor. For the first time I feel so willing to fight for it that I want to marry a person in order to be with him for the rest of my life no matter what crazy things come our way. Of course, there are going to be crazy good things that come our way, too, and the thought of being with Eric for the rest of my life brings me so much joy and happiness that it's taken everything in my power to not tell every single person I pass on the street how excited I am to marry my best friend. But I also know there will be hard times. I know there will be hard times and sad times and angry times and hurt times. And so, through marriage, that willingness to fight for someone and our marriage forever, along with the security in having that same someone promise to fight along side of me, has never given me so much peace, joy, love, expression, freedom, happiness, security, comfort, drive, determination or perseverance as anything else has in my entire life. For the first time in my life, I don't want a way out. Marriage is in so many ways a crazy idea. I've read so many marriage books lately and they all say the same thing (it's hard), but they also say, marriage is one of the best things they've ever done.

This next chapter is yet only another chapter, but it’s in a new book. It’s in a new book that we’re going to keep writing for the rest of our lives. And that’s pretty amazing to me.