I seriously don’t know where time goes. I don’t know why it won’t slow down and I don’t know what it means for me when I will still feel like I’m 27 but suddenly in an aging body of 72. I’ll be wrinkly, who knows if I’ll have any eyebrows left and I highly doubt I’ll be able to touch my toes (I can barely touch them now). I do know, that I’m determined to live past 100.
I’ve always been into numbers, to the point where it drives me crazy. I’m not superstitious and yet I find symbolism in everything. I’m certainly not into numerology and yet, I have to force myself to believe that I’m not being haunted by some number, a memory of the past. I can probably tell you the calendar date that we met and when we had our first kiss and how old I was when I moved there and the date I left and the date I came back and the date I left again and the date you first emailed me and the date I had this feeling and the date I told you I loved you and the date of when my grandfather died. I’m surrounded by dates, memories of the past, markers of something that happened at this time or that time.
My favorite two numbers in the whole entire world are 3 and 27. Three has significant reasonings behind it, 27, I just like how it looks. I like how it sounds. I asked Eric today, what his favorite number was. 17, he said. When I asked him why, he said because it’s the number of kids he wants. I laughed. I love his playful sense of humor, a reminder for me to snap out of it and stop obsessing about numbers (though, I don’t think he realized I was obsessing about numbers).
But here I am, obsessing about numbers, because in a few days I turn 27. My number. During my number I will get my degree (only took me 10 years) and marry my best friend. And I am so excited for these things. I’m so excited because one means freedom and the other means permanency. School is such a drag. I love learning, but I’m a terrible student, and I can’t wait to feel free again. Free to do my own thing and have time back in my hands. Free to create and focus my brain power on the things that inspire me. Marriage is my permanency, my stability. Not that I’m relying on marriage for my stability (for I think stability comes from within oneself), but stability in falling asleep and waking up with the same person each day, no matter where on this planet we are. It’s a little twosome bubble that gets to float around the earth and find inspiration together and create together and hurt together and laugh together, freely.
I don’t know how this life of mine will end, I just hope I get many more shots at all the different numbers I still have yet to reach. There are so many things I still want to do with my life, and for the first time in my life, I’m less concerned with how they look or how they line up on the conventional time line of when you’re supposed to do this or that. I have no desire to settle down. I’m determined to not let marriage or having kids or buying a home stop me from doing the things that make me me (maybe this is naive of me). Each day I still want to wake up and realize there is whole world of things to accomplish, and that I want to work as hard as I can at each of these items and keep growing and stretching myself. I want to continue gaining perspective and discovering new parts of the world and realizing that maybe the things I do or you do are actually backwards, but that it doesn’t even matter.
In all honesty, as I get older, the numbers start to blur altogether. I think that’s why I continue to write. Because as the numbers blur together and the memories become more distant, and new ones are mixed with old ones, I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget how I feel right now. Right now, I feel happier than I have in my entire life. Right now, I want nothing more than to continue taking photos. Right now, all of my loved ones are healthy and happy. Right now, I am so excited to get married. Right now, I am so excited to be done school. Right now, I am kicking myself for not studying harder for that midterm. Right now, I feel at complete peace with myself. Right now, I know that a good night’s sleep really does wonders. Right now, I know that things generally do feel better in the morning. Right now, I have faith. Right now, I am not afraid. Right now, I want to play music.
Last year I wrote about all of the things I had learned. This year, there are countless more lessons I’ve learned, but I feel less concerned with how they fit into making it to another numerical age. It’s strange, this in between age, of being not quite as successful as I’d like to be (due to the fact that I'm still young) but somehow still successful (due to the fact that I’m still young).
All I know is that during this next year, I want to wake up every morning, and not waste a single second of my time. I’m tired of playing catch up with myself. I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of being too afraid or uncertain to do something. This next year, I want to push harder than I’ve ever pushed before. I want to continue finding inspiration, and turning that into something that makes me whole. Whether it’s through photography or writing or love or travel or cooking or hiking or reading or whatever it is, whoever it is, I become.
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PS: Oh yeah, and here's a photo series of my past year. I haven't talked about it much, but it basically documents the very end of 25 and half of 26 where I had that terrible haircut and decided to take secret self portraits while working for Airbnb as an interior photographer. Locations are primarily in New York and San Francisco, with a few from Seattle and Vancouver.