motherhood

i’ve lost myself in motherhood
i’ve found myself. 

perhaps it was an entire year of mourning the existence I knew
the existence of the self 

one day I went walking 
and I found myself in a quiet breeze
at the same time, I saw myself drift across the ocean
never to be seen again 

for I did lose myself
the self I was for 29 almost 30 years until my daughter was first brought onto my chest 

I didn’t know that in that moment,
the most life giving, rich, majestic moment of my life 
(for at that moment I felt so whole)
that soon the self, as I knew myself, was to die 

a year of joy and a year of mourning 
how do these two feelings exist amongst one another?

but now, now I am so glad I lost myself because I see now, I was only part of myself. 
I was not whole. 
that’s not to say motherhood makes one whole, in fact I think it often is quite the opposite. 

but in my loss, i was forced to come back to my core
and saw that now was the time to rebuild myself
into the new being I have become

still I don’t know how this being works in my entirety 
but i’m willing to get to know her now 
i’m willing to give this new being a chance 
i’m willing to try again as this second little life forms inside of me

perhaps this time, instead of losing myself,
I will take myself with me. 
I will hold my hand as I hold theirs. 
I will rock my tears and rub my face and wrap myself in warm blankets until the morning comes. 
I will see life not as post-partum depression but as a phase one gets through. 
a phase that seems both never ending and goes far too quickly. 
a phase that I will one day long for.

I thought she was still a newborn, but now she runs by the ocean. 
I hold her hand, I rub my belly, I know we’ll be okay.